Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them

Dear Anger Guy,

My husband is almost always angry about something. He often yells but says he isn't yelling.  He tries to convince me that I'm too sensitive. How do I know if he is overreacting or if he is right...that I am being too sensitive?

~ Confused

Dear Confused,

It sounds like your husband uses anger to get his way.  He’s learned that his anger and controlling behavior gets him what he wants and that acting out his anger is a great way to make that happen. Your husband’s behavior is not appropriate or typical, and it is not okay.  You are not being too sensitive.  In fact, you're probably not being sensitive enough because you still put up with it!

My guess is that you walk on eggshells around him; worried that you will do or not do something that will set him off.  You probably focus on his needs before your own.  And no matter how hard you try it feels like whatever you do is never enough.   He probably says, "If you would just change then I wouldn't have to yell.”   What's really happening is that he needs you to change so that he doesn't have to. 

Believe it or not, his aggressive and controlling behaviors are due to underlying feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem.  He compensates for feeling “less than” other people, namely you...by acting the opposite (he acts powerful).  What seems like an abundance of security and self-confidence is actually a way for him to hide his fear that you will find out that he isn't the strong, confident guy he wants you to think he is.  He has no idea that he feels like this...it's mostly unconscious.  All he knows is that you make him angry and that he feels like a jerk after taking out his anger at your expense.  And he does it over and over and over, right?

So are you oversensitive?  I don’t think so.  You are probably reacting to him the way most people would.  Your instincts are telling you this is wrong.  And although what is happening to you is not right nor just, the reality is that it is your responsibility to deal with it.  And until you decide that you do not deserve to be treated this way nothing will change. You will stay focused on the problem and not be able to see the solution.  

Once your mindset changes and you draw a line in the sand, he will protest but will likely begin to change; reaching out for help if you demand it.   Regardless of what he says and how he acts, the last thing he wants is to lose you. To him, you are all he has.  Nevertheless, remember that this is his problem, not yours...and like you, only he can decide to change.

Why won't my 14 year old son share his feelings with me?

My 14 year old is obviously unhappy, yet he won't talk about it.  His older sister talks with me about everything, so I don't think it is me.  Why won’t he tell me what is wrong?

The reason that teens often will not talk about their feelings is because they are afraid, desperately afraid, that they will not be accepted if they are honest about difficult feelings, even to their parents. They are feeling so low about themselves, or they are so angry at themselves for not being perfect, or they have come to believe that if they are not perfect they should be embarrassed and ashamed, that they will not talk about it. They do not realize that stuffing the feelings by not talking about them eventually comes out anyhow, in negative ways that spill out all over the place. We see those behaviors leaking out like a bucket with holes. A rule of thumb that we can use in terms of understanding our children is: If they do not talk it out, they are going to act it out.

For young women (in this country), it is culturally more acceptable for them to share their feelings.  She might say: I want to have friends, I want to be close to people, I want to be with someone. But for young men to communicate the same thing is culturally unacceptable. A young man is trying to get what he needs without asking for it, so he turns to autonomy or an "I can do it myself" mentality in order to feel a sense of value or self-worth. 

How do I know if my son needs counseling?

My 16 year old son is getting more and more moody...one day super angry and the next day depressed and telling me that he doesn't have any friends. I'm getting worried because I don't know what to do. How can I tell if he needs counseling or if it's just a phase of being a teenager?

Based on your question, your son does not sound like he needs counseling...yet. But after reading this response, you might see things differently.  You can always intervene by giving him a consequence (which is usually appropriate), but also by trying to listen to his behavior.  He's trying to communicate feelings that he can't seem to get out with words. And unknowingly, he will usually act the worst with those he feels closest to.  You seem to be the one he feels is least likely to reject him when he shows his ugliest, or sometimes most vulnerable feelings.  

It's important to allow young people to fall and get up on their own. Being forced to struggle with our feelings has many valuable lessons and is not a bad thing in and of itself. But when behavior patterns become consistently destructive; to themselves and those around them, it is better to be proactive...reaching out to professionals for information and maybe counseling, rather than waiting until things are unbearable at home, school or for our kids internally.

When teens feel out of control and don't know why, they get scared. They want help. But just like many (if not most) adults, they often don't know how to ask for it. They don't realize it, but acting out their anger, being extra difficult to live with and sometimes getting into trouble at school or with the law are usually indirect ways they use to get your attention. They're unconsciously saying through behavior, "Help me stop ruining my life! It's freaking me out because I don't know why I keep doing this stuff!" 

You'd be amazed at how many teens have told me that they were really glad their parents forced them to go to counseling. I see expressions of relief and calmness...and often tears.  I teach them ways to figure out how to identify genuine feelings and I help them develop positive coping mechanisms to deal with those feelings.  It's an awesome reward to watch them blossom into happy, optimistic and confident young adults; ready to take on the world!

So when parents start to see patterns of self-destructive behavior (non-compliance, problems at school, lack of remorse for yelling at you, etc), then it's probably time to consider reaching out to professionals for help. As parents, we want to work hard to be secure enough within ourselves to not give in to the anger and resistance our kids put up against counseling. Their resistance is typical and consistent with the very behavior that needs to be addressed.

Does a Fist Through the Wall Mean that my Teenager has an Anger Problem?

I am concerned that my teenager has an anger problem. He put his fist through the wall the other day. Should I be concerned that he has deeper issues?

A fist through the wall is angry behavior, however, it does not necessarily suggest that your teen has an anger problem. And this is where we usually misinterpret what is really going on. The child who puts the fist through the wall is using behavior to say, "I am feeling something so intense down below that the only way I know how to get it out is through angry behavior". This is key to being able to recognize and understand more about what is going on inside the minds of our kids. If they can't or won't talk it out, they'll act it out.  But one way or another...it's coming out. This is true for all of us.  So in answer to your question...possibly.  We need to teach our kids to use words to express difficult feelings; which means we, their models, need to do the same!